


Praetorian Guard

by unluckyCharm



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, M/M, Manipulation, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, more club penguin content than I expected
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-02-08 10:04:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21474217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unluckyCharm/pseuds/unluckyCharm
Summary: CG: I’M SORRY, I MUST HAVE MISHEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.TA: kk thii2 ii2 a wriitten mediium ju2t reread iit.CG: YOU’RE CATFISHING YOUR KISMESIS.
Relationships: Eridan Ampora & Sollux Captor, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor
Comments: 68
Kudos: 195





	1. Chapter 1

CG: I’M SORRY, I MUST HAVE MISHEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.   
TA: kk thii2 ii2 a wriitten mediium ju2t reread iit.   
CG: YOU’RE CATFISHING YOUR KISMESIS.   
TA: ii dont get what2 2o confu2iing about thii2 ii made a bot and had iit po2t on 2hiitty war hii2tory forum2 untiil eriidan reached out and now iit2 actiing a2 hii2 moiiraiil untiil he fiind2 a real one.   
CG: UNTIL HE FINDS A REAL ONE.   
TA: yeah 2o. forever.   
CG: YOU MADE YOUR KISMESIS AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT BOT THAT WOULD OUTLIVE YOU.   
CG: WE’LL BE LONG DEAD AND GENERAL FISHBREATH WILL STILL BE BRAGGING TO HIS MISERABLE CREW ABOUT HIS MOIRAIL FROM TROLL CANADA.   
TA: eheheh.   
CG: SO, WHAT, YOU’RE GOING TO WAIT UNTIL HE’S TOO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED   
TA: kk iit2 already giiven hiim attentiion more than once.   
TA: that tiime ha2 pa22ed.   
CG: FUCK YOU I WAS GETTING THERE.   
CG: SO YOU GOT HIM EMOTIONALLY INVESTED AND THEN YOU’RE GOING TO YANK THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER HIS FEET?   
CG: TEE HEE DOUCHEBAG IT’S FAKE LOOK HOW DESPERATE YOU ARE FOR EMOTIONAL CONNECTION?   
CG: HOPE YOU’RE READY TO NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN?   
CG: I WOULD NEVER ATTEMPT TO SHOVE MY UNASKED FOR OPINIONS ON A RELATIONSHIP WHERE THEY DON’T BELONG BUT   
TA: oh for 2ure the fiir2t thiing ii tell people ii2 “that karkat, he tote2 doe2nt thiink he know2 better than everyone around hiim about quadrant2 iin a way that border2 on ob2e22iive”.   
CG: SHUT UP CAPTOR.   
CG: I’M JUST TRYING TO POINT OUT THAT AMPORA IS NOT REALLY IN THE MOST STABLE PLACE RIGHT NOW.   
TA: ““riight now””   
CG: I DONT GIVE A SHIT WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM OR ANY OF YOU MORONS   
TA: ye2 we all beliieve that wholeheartedly.   
CG: BUT A RESPONSIBLE KISMESIS SHOULD KNOW HOW FAR THEY CAN PUSH THEIR PARTNER.   
TA: fiir2t off, dont ever refer two eriidan a2 my partner agaiin were barely hatedatiing.   
TA: and 2econdly, no 2hiit, bulgebreath.   
TA: that2 the entiire poiint of thii2.   
CG: WHAT?   
TA: ed ii2 depre22ed all the fuckiing tiime.   
TA: you wouldnt under2tand, 2iince youve never been iin a relatiion2hiip before.   
CG: FUCK YOU   
TA: but a2 the relatiion2hiip expert here.   
CG: SHUT UP   
TA: ii wiill, out of the kiindne22 of my bloodpu2her.   
TA: let you know that beatiing down 2omeone already pu2hiing them2elve2 iintwo the ground ii2 boriing a2 2hiit.   
TA: he2 all "wwoe ii2 me" and "maybe thii2 ii2 wwhat ii de2ervve".   
TA: "howw fiittiing that 2omeone 2o beneath me wwould be the one twwo dole out my diivviine punii2hment".   
CG: SO YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH HIM????   
CG: ONE FINAL ASSHOLE HUZZAH?   
CG: BREAKING HIS SPADE AS YOUR BREAK HIS SPIRIT???   
TA: what.   
TA: kk.   
TA: kk that2 2o dramatiic thii2 ii2nt when harrry met 2alley or troll the notebook.   
TA: iim fiixiing the problem.   
CG: FIXING THE PROBLEM.   
TA: ii 2end iin charea.   
TA: iit buiild2 hiim up.   
TA: then ii can pu2h hiim back down agaiin.   
CG:   
CG: I’M SORRY, AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IMPRESSED BY THIS ASININE AND OBVIOUSLY DOOMED TO FAIL RUBE GOLDBERG SCHEME.   
TA: you can at lea2t be a liitle iimpre22ed.   
TA: ii had two buiild iit from 2cratch.   
CG: NO MOIRAIL BOTS ONLINE?   
TA: no good one2.   
TA: ii iiniitiially ju2t made a 2can of my2elf and altered iit two be niicer but iit 2elf de2tructed when ii triied two put iit onliine.   
CG: YOU WOULD RATHER KILL YOURSELF THAN PITY ERIDAN AMPORA.   
TA: ii am nothiing iif not con2ii2tent.   
CG: JEGUS.   
TA: ii have two moniitor iit two make 2ure iit2 re2pondiing correctly.   
TA: and ii controlled iiniitiial contact.   
TA: but for the mo2t part ii ju2t fed iit a bunch of generiic pale2lut liine2 and he2 been eatiing iit up.   
CG: HORRIFYING.

Your husktop dings. Oh, finally. This is going to be good.

TA: “2orry” kk thii2 ha2 been fun.  
TA: and ii know iin2ultiing my de2cii2iion2 ii2 the only 2ource of joy iin your 2ad and lonely liife.  
TA: but ii have a very iimportant appoiintment two get two.  
CG: YOU ASSHOLE WE BOTH KNOW YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING IMPORTANT  
CG: WHAT APPOINTMENT  
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinioGeneticist [CG]

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]  
CA: sol if you hack my troll club penguin account one more goddamn time im goin to lose it   
CA: sol   
CA: sollux   
CA: solluxander i can see youre online   
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] is an iidle troll! --  
CA: theres a typo in your bullshit awway notification you fuckin asshole   
CA: stop settin my pufflebeasts free some a them are evvent exclusivves   
CA: an it looks fuckin stupid to havve named a marcus brutus and psueth sayyer but no julius caesar   
TA: why do you ju2t a22ume that ii diid that.   
TA: maybe the pufflebea2t2 2iimply gave iin two de2tiiny and took hiim out.   
TA: twenty-three adorable fluffy 2tab wound2.   
CA: i hope you knoww howw fuckin idiotic you sound right noww   
CA: thats not howw troll club penguin wworks you filthy lowwblooded casual   
CA: i logged on DAILY to complete those quests and unlock a lion pufflebeast durin the jungle awwareness extravvaganza   
CA: an evvent wwhich is not likely to be repeated   
CA: and you SET HIM FREE   
TA: purrbea2t2 are avaiilable iin the troll club penguiin pet 2hop year round, fii2hface.   
CA: troll shakespeare did not compare julius caesar to a generic purrbeast   
CA: i wwant my lion   
TA: ii want you two 2top contactiing me.   
CA: should havve thought a that before sendin me such a blatant pitch solicitation   
TA: ii diidnt hack your troll club penguiin account.   
TA:   
TA: and ii certaiinly wouldnt bother wiith 2ettiing your pufflebea2t2 free or beatiing all your miiniigame hiigh 2core2 or whatever.   
CA: my   
CA: my minigame h   
CA: bean counter   
CA: you wwouldnt   
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]  
TA: ehehe.  
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

See, he’s already doing better. Last week he would’ve just given up and swapped to Neobeasts, or decided he doesn’t deserve to have fun on websites for wrigglers at all. This back and forth is far more entertaining.

You don’t know what Karkat was talking about, this isn’t going to backfire in the slightest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cassius Chaerea was a member of the Praetorian Guard, an elite unit of the Imperial Roman army which usually served as bodyguards and such for the emperor. HOWEVER the guard became known for interfering in roman politics, to the point of overthrowing emperors and choosing their successors.
> 
> Chaerea Hated the emperor, Caligula (the feeling was very mutual), and he ultimately assassinated him.
> 
> Caligula would regularly mock him and apparently called him a horse so I made Charea a blueblood skdjhfkjsdhfs

When your husktop dings a few minutes later you immediately switch windows. You usually let Charea run on its own, but this part is always the most entertaining.

caligulasAquarium [CA]  began trolling  amicablyInsidious [AI]  
CA: rea you wwill not BELIEVVE the NERVVE a this asshole   
AI: oh ??   
CA: this fuckers comin for my evvery last shred a sanity   
CA: he deleted julius caesar   
CA: my PUFFLEBEAST   
CA: i spent so much time earnin that lion   
CA: an noww i feel like   
CA: i dont knoww like maybe all that time wwas wwasted   
CA: like wwhy am i gettin upset ovver a game for wwigglers or wwhatevver 

Oh, come on. He was doing better!

CA: wwhy am i evven playin this game anywway   
CA: makin sure to log in on specific days to complete quests to unlock limited edition game items   
CA: in order to wwhat   
CA: havve exclusivve outfits wwhen ivve already perfected my penguin and don't plan to change them   
CA: owwn dozens of fancy pufflebeasts no one wwill evver see because i havve the feww i actually wwanted on display in my igloo an the rest are stored in the backyard   
CA: i could be doin better stuff wwith my time   
CA: probably 

You will NOT relate to Eridan Ampora. His problems are laughable and you are finding only joy in crushing his soul and making him say things you try not to think about.

AI: ):   
CA: i mean yeah   
CA: i guess my enjoyment of the game is wwhat really matters 

Is that it. Was a frowny face seriously enough to help him feel better about wasting hundreds of hours playing video games? It didn’t help YOU feel better.

CA: i just   
CA: its little things like this that really force me to stop and think about wwhat ivve been doin wwith my time   
CA: it makes me wwonder   
CA: like   
CA: am i actually enjoyin this game   
CA: or am i just still playin it because ivve sunk so much time an money into it already   
CA: to the point wwhere if i stopped playin i wwould feel like all those prevvious hours had been a mistake   
CA: like am i just playin to unlock all the stuff or am I actually havvin fun   
CA: and   
CA: wwell   
CA: im wworried it maybe hasnt been the latter for a wwhile   
AI: !t sounds l!ke l!fe !s really hard for you   
CA: you knoww   
CA: you seem to say that a lot   
AI:   
CA:   
AI:   
CA: and you're alwways fuckin right im so glad I finally havve a moirail wwho understands me   
AI: !!   
AI: !m glad to have found you too,, er!dan   
AI: <>   
CA: !!   
CA: <> 

The bot fixed it. You’re a fucking genius.

Well. Hm. They’ve been moirails for over a perigee by now. Maybe Charea should do a little more? This could be a critical moment. Maybe you’ll take the reins for a bit.

AI: you know.. !m not a gen!us hacker l!ke your k!smes!s but ! do have some “"cod!ng sk!llz"”   
AI: maybe ! could try to help   
CA: really   
AI: of course   
AI: same username as your handle,, r!ght ?? 

ehehe.

CA: no some absolute motherfuckin shithead got it first   
AI: omg what ??   
CA: yeah so noww im fuckin   
CA: caligulasAquarium2 

ehehehehehehe.

AI: ):<   
AI: ok let me see what ! can do   
amicablyInsidious [AI]  ceased trolling  caligulasAquarium [CA]

You push away from your desk, head to the meal block to grab some chips and a drink. Can’t let him think his kismesis writes easily reversible code. Since you’re up anyway, might as well take the trash out while you’re at it. And perhaps take a shower. When was the last time you did laundry? You spend several minutes trying to remember which setting Kanaya told you to put shirts on before deciding you have enough clean shirts, actually, and go delete the couple lines of code hiding his lion pufflebeast on Troll Club Penguin.

amicablyInsidious [AI]  began trolling  caligulasAquarium [CA]  
AI: er! ! th!nk ! d!d !t !!   
AI: oh !ts pretty late now,, huh   
AI: lmk !f !t worked when you see th!s tomorrow   
AI: goodn!ght   
amicablyInsidious [AI]  ceased trolling  caligulasAquarium [CA]

caligulasAquarium [CA]  began trolling  amicablyInsidious [AI]  
CA: rea   
CA: rea are you glubbin serious you brought him back   
CA: REA   
CA: REA HES BACK   
caligulasAquarium [CA]  ceased trolling  amicablyInsidious [AI]

caligulasAquarium [CA]  began trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]  
CA: games up moron looks like your hacker skills are bullshit   
TA: oh?   
CA: my pufflebeast is back and my passwword has been changed   
CA: its maximum strength noww   
TA: oh 2o you added liike.   
TA: an exclamatiion poiint two the end of your previiou2 pa22word.   
CA: HA   
CA: not evven close 

You open Troll Club Penguin, run a few variations of his old passw - ah. He added two exclamation points. That’s. Well. It’s foolish is what it is.

CA: anywway thanks for helpin me figure out wwho the REAL tech genius is   
CA: noww i knoww if im havvin trouble my moirail is the one to call   
TA: wh-   
TA: iim the one CAU2IING your tech problem2 why would ii ever be on your lii2t of people two call for help.   
CA: tech problems   
CA: thats an interestin choice a phrase to describe MINOR annoyances   
CA: that my brilliant hacker moirail can eliminate wwith a mere wavve a her hand   
CA: you fuckin WWISH you wwere on her levvel 

It’s bait. It’s bait. It’s bait it’s bait it’s bait it’s

TA: oh yeah iim 2ure you and your perfect moiiraiil are doiing great.   
TA: 2ure you defiiniitely arent domiinatiing your conver2atiion2 or anythiing.   
TA: bet you a2k her how her day2 been goiing before you ju2t dump all your iin2iigniifiicant bull2hiit feeliing2 on her.   
CA: i   
CA: wwell a course i do   
CA: im the greatest fuckin moirail she could havve 

caligulasAquarium [CA]  began trolling  amicablyInsidious [AI]  
CA: hey rea   
AI: hey er!dan   
AI: are you alr!ght ??   
CA: yeah   
CA: yeah im fine   
CA: i wwas just wwonderin howw your day has been goin 

amicablyInsidious [AI]  began trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]  
AI: query !nval!d   
AI: manual response requ!red   
TA: gog damn iit.   
twinArmageddons [TA]  ceased trolling  amicablyInsidious [AI] 

AI: oh !!   
AI: my days been alr!ght !! 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realized while rereading that eridan venting to charea instead of sollux is just - 
> 
> Eridan: I am learning to compartmentalize and not dump things on people who didn't ask for it  
Sollux: what the fuck do you mean I have to ask now

carcinioGeneticist [CG]  began trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]  
CG: CAPTOR.  
CG: AMPORA ASKED ME HOW I WAS DOING THIS EVENING.  
TA: and?  
CG: AND?????   
CG: AND???????????  
CG: IS HE DYING?????????  
TA: how would ii know.  
CG: HE'S YOUR KISMESIS  
TA: well IIM not currently kiilliing hiim.  
TA: p2iioniic2 dont cau2e people two 2pontaneou2ly 2tart beiing halfway decent iin conver2atiion2.  
TA: all theyre good for ii2 de2tructiion.  
CG: YES YES YOU'RE VERY EDGY AND TRAUMATIZED AND DANGEROUS WE GET IT  
TA:   
CG:   
TA: 2o?  
CG: SO?  
TA: what diid you 2ay two hiim.  
CG: I WAS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS  
TA: ii ab2olutely cannot beliieve that.  
TA: iit would be a miiracle.  
CG: MORE OF A MIRACLE THAN ERIDAN AMPORA NOTICING SOMETHING OTHER THAN HIMSELF FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE?  
TA: ok good poiint.  
TA:   
TA: but what diid you 2ay.  
CG: I SAID...THAT I WAS DOING....FINE  
TA: and were you doiing fiine.  
CG: I MOST CERTAINLY WAS NOT!!!  
CG: MY ACQUAINTANCE HAS BEEN BRAINWASHED OVERNIGHT  
TA: iim 2ure he2 alriight.  
TA: what happened after that?  
CG: WELL AREN'T YOU CHATTY TODAY  
TA: ii wa2 ju2t a2kiing, jegu2.  
TA: nevermiind.  
CG: HM.  
CG: AFTER THAT HE RANTED ABOUT SOME DRAMA I HAVEN'T WATCHED YET  
CG: SPOILED HALF OF THE SECOND SEASON FOR ME  
TA: gog damn iit.   
CG: RIGHT??  
carcinioGeneticist [CG]  ceased trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]

So he's asking other trolls about their day. Not just Charea. He seems to have taken it to heart. That’s. Unimportant and irrelevant. You scan through your list of projects, pick one to work on today. You don't need to waste your time thinking about Eridan more than you already do. 

Because he contacts you so frequently. 

If he wasn't trolling you all the time you wouldn't think of him at all. Obviously.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]  
GA: Sollux I Do Not Wish To Interfere With The Intricacies Of Your Interactions With Eridan  
GA: Unless You Feel There Is Perhaps A Need For Interference  
GA: But I Would Appreciate If You Would Restrict Your Cyber Attacks To His Computer  
GA: Specifically  
GA: And Not Draw The Rest Of Us Into Your Courtship  
TA: what  
GA: I Will Admit It Was Initially Humorous   
GA: But I Do Feel That One Should Have Boundaries In This Situation  
GA: And You Have Gone A Step 'Two' Far  
TA: no ii mean what diid ii do.  
GA: Your Code Program That Makes Eridan Ask Me Howw I Am Doing Today  
GA: Before He Can Start Every Single Conversation  
TA: w-  
TA: what no iim not makiing hiim do that.  
TA: he ju2t  
TA: he  
TA: you can ju2t 2ay code or program iit doe2nt have two be both.  
GA: He Is Not Doing It Because Of A Code Or Program?  
TA: he2.  
TA:   
TA: ye2 iit2 of hii2 own free wiill  
GA: Oh  
GA: Is He Dying  
TA: WHY DOES EVERYONE,,  
TA: 2orry, 2orry, nevermiind.  
TA: what diid you 2ay two hiim?  
TA: when he a2ked.  
GA: Well Considering I Assumed It Was A Code Or Perhaps Even A Program

Why do you keep trying.

GA: I Told Him I Was "Fine" And Moved On To The Letting Him Complain Portion Of Our Conversations  
TA: are you 2eriiou2.  
GA: Yes  
GA: And Although I Appreciate That Eridan Is Apparently Attempting to Branch Out In His Conversational Skills  
GA: I Will Admit I Am Actually Not Particularly Keen   
GA: On The Thought Of Giving An Actual Response   
GA: And Having Him Belittle Or Ignore It  
GA: Considering How Tumultuous Our Conversations Already Are  
TA: iif no one giive2 hiim a real re2pon2e how ii2 he 2uppo2ed two learn how two re2pond.  
GA:   
TA: no  
TA: no ii can 2ee iit dont 2ay anythiing.  
TA: iim 2o 2orry.  
TA: ii dont know why ii wrote that.  
TA: ii mu2t have forgotten who we were talkiing about.  
GA: Are You Dying  
TA: ye2.  
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling  grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

So he's just. Saying it to everyone with no input. Of fucking course. It's just a new thing to say after hello for him, a generic greeting, not any actual change. You don't know why you- that for just a single moment you thought- nevermind. You go back to your code. 

An hour later you're disrupted by Trollian once again. Eridan. Great, what does this asshole want?

caligulasAquarium [CA]  began trolling  amicablyInsidious [AI]

Oh, just the bot.

CA: hey rea!  
AI: hey er!dan  
CA: howw are you today?

Gogdamn it. He really is still on this. You wrote out some generic responses for it but he keeps rephrasing the question and you haven’t gotten around to teaching it the possibilities yet. Easier to just respond for it for now. What a hassle.

AI: !m f!ne

And now you can let the program do its thing as he vents.

carcinioGeneticist [CG]  began trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]  
CG: WAIT A FUCKING SECOND  
CG: IS THIS A BOT THING  
CG: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE SAID BECAUSE OF A BOT THING  
TA:   
TA: ii may have 2ugge2ted.  
TA: viia charea.  
TA: that ventiing one 2iidedly.  
TA: ii2 2hiitty behaviior.  
CG: YOU’RE  
TA: kk 2hut up ii know what iim doiing.  
CG: YOU’RE USING YOUR BOT TO  
TA: 2hut UP ii know iit2 2tupiid!!  
CG: YOU’RE USING CHAREA TO TEACH AMPORA HOW TO BE A BETTER MOIRAIL  
TA: iim u2iing charea two teach ed how two be a better moiiraiil.  
CG: AND FRIEND  
TA: gog.  
TA: ye2, and friiend.  
TA: he2 ju2t.  
TA: he2 ju2t 2o annoyiing.  
CG: WELL YES THAT IS HOW A KISMESIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE.  
TA: he whiine2 about how lonely he ii2 and then doe2nt make any 2ort of genuiine effort two connect wiith people.  
TA: he could be 2o much better at conver2atiion2.  
TA: he ju2t need2 two be a liittle more con2iiderate.  
TA: ju2t a tiiny pu2h and hell be 2o much better.  
CG: HAHA WOW  
TA: 2hut up.  
CG: HOW PITCH CAN YOU *GET*.  
CG: THOUGHT YOU “BARELY HATED HIM” CAPTOR.  
TA: waiit what.  
CG: “OH IIM THOLLUCKTH CAPTOR AND III *GUE22* IIIILL DATE THIIITH GUY BEGGIIIIIING FOR MY ATTENTHUN NOT LIIKE IIIIIIIII REALLY H-HATE HIIIIM OR ANYTHIIING B-BAKA!!”  
TA: ii.  
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME READ THIS DRIVEL.  
CG: PUSHING EACH OTHER TO BE STRONGER IS ONE THING BUT MANIPULATING YOUR KISMESIS TO BE A BETTER *TROLL* OVERALL?  
CG: DISGUSTING.  
CG: I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WASH MY HANDS.  
TA: fuck you  
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling  carcinioGeneticist [CG] 

Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this? You put your head down on the desk. You hear yet another notification. You lift your head off the desk. 

CA: are you sure?

Huh.

AI: well ..  
CA: oh?  
AI: actually  
AI: lately !ve been feel!ng k!nd of frustrated

Wait. Fuck. What the fuck are you doing.

CA: oh i hate feelin frustrated  
CA: ivve been gettin frustrated a lot recently actually  
CA: asinine bullshit just keeps happenin to me  
CA: like all a the time

Right. Back to him. Just as you expected.

CA: do you wwant to talk about it??

Oh.

Well that's. That's just. Do you...want..? Ugh. Obviously not.

AI: so bas!cally  
AI: my fr!endqua!ntances w!ll just l!ke ..  
AI: not stop bother!ng me


End file.
